It was recently pointed out to me by a couple friends, that I’m in a major Transition. With Transition, comes Vulnerability.
The dreaded “v” word.
Another friend sent me this great video on a researcher & her take on the importance of Vulnerability. Like her, I shun Vulnerability. It stinks. I don’t like how it feels. It gives me the willies, the heebie-jeebies, and ants in my pants. Vulnerability is right up there with grief; “up there” meaning on the highest up shelf in my psyche– dusty, cob-web covered.
Brene Brown in the video talks about how embracing vulnerability can actually be the jumping off point of creativity & connection. The more I explore this, the more it feels true for me.
Many people over these last weeks, usually strangers or mild acquaintences, question my sanity on taking this trip. One lady, after I responded “yes” to her question: “You’re going alone!?”, said, “With these gas prices!?”. Some people just find fear in everything.
So, I want to assure you, dear readers, that I do have fear. I have a gigantic boat-load crud-ton of fear! It’s been so overwhelming that it’s lead me to make very rash & destructive decisions! I now have a smaller laptop with a crappy slow processor, because I wasn’t paying enough attention to what I was doing; the fear clouded my judgement.
I’ve made several large mistakes in recent weeks. The learning of one in particular is still revealing itself to me, but from what I can tell, I was avoiding my fear, avoiding my vulnerability, and my anxiety, and my doubts about whether this journey would be successful. Just like Brene Brown said in the video, trying to numb those out also numbed out my ability to think clearly, placing myself and another in pretty dangerous emotional territory.
I practice Vulnerability like taking lousy-tasting cough medicine. I force it down. After a few moments of gagging, the icky taste fades. I take it begrudgingly, knowing it will help me in the long run, but resentful at the short-term gak in the back of my throat.
The key, however, is not letting my fear or Vulnerability, or in this case my Fear OF Vulnerability, to choke me into inaction. When fear of the big V turns my blood into masonry mortar, hardened & immovable, then there’s Trouble, with a capital T which rhymes with P which stands for Poison. Poison because it snuffs out life. Allowing one’s fears to erase vitality, passion, and the courage to make mistakes is essentially dying. People in this mode are merely shells of a self. The two interviews I just shot here in Tahoe speak to this topic in depth.
So, I will practice. So there:
- I’m completely imperfect. I make mistakes; I trade laptops for crappier ones & I hurt people’s feelings by acting rashly.
- Climbing these mountains really scares the crap out of me. It’s probably why my body is taking a long time to heal.
- I have no idea what I’m doing. I recently reached out to a new online magazine to see if there was synergy with the project, and was rejected by them.
- I’m terrified to edit my first interview. What if it doesn’t come out well? What if I can’t match up the sound files with the video files? What if the story gets all twisted around & the interviewee hates it?
- I can’t afford a new laptop. I can’t afford the proper editing software for these videos. I can barely afford to get up to Alaska. How is all this gonna work?
- Kickstarter rejected my application to start a fundraising campaign on their website. Do I risk re-applying? Might it just be a waste of time?
- I don’t have any contacts setup in Alaska yet. Or Seattle, or Vancouver. I just feel so behind on everything.
- I feel totally overwhelmed at the PR & media outreach that needs to be done. While I have one possible solution (requiring payment), that will help, it just seems like an avalanche of stuff to complete. How the heck am I supposed to do this AND shoot/edit videos? How come all my friends are so dang busy that I don’t even feel I have the right to ask them for help with this?
- Leaving all my friends behind just makes me cry. They’ve been so generous with their time, help, & love & support.
- Despite my best efforts to trick myself, I’m still in mourning & grief over losing my brother. My friend last night said when his mom died he was in a type of “fog” for about a year. I wish I wasn’t in that fog, but begrudgingly, I now accept that I am.
- Some part of me deeply believes creating this project & going on this journey will change me in ways that are sorely needed. I’m manifesting an opportunity to heal. But, I didn’t know it was gonna be this hard.
- I’ve botched the filming and audio on some of the interviews. See #1.
Well, there you have it folks. I’ve just revealed some of my innermost secrets & thoughts from these last weeks. I don’t feel any better. But, some time behind this post will help.
Harrumph. Dang Vulnerability.