3/16 UPDATE: On the injured reserve list, again.
(Written day of, but just getting to the post now…)
I went to the climbing gym after crying a lot about my mom today, mixed with awesome playtime with my nieces. I came off the wall wrong & landed wonky, causing a minor whiplash. I laid on the ground for a long time. The staff came with ice. I’m already sore in my neck & shoulders.
I’m so angry & can’t even tell you. I was just getting back into climbing once a week, after having been gone from it for over two years. But, my actions & thought processes are what lead me there. I can’t deny taking responsibility for getting to this place.
What lead me there was fear. I was afraid of landing from as high up as I was in the shoes I was wearing because that sometimes causes arch muscle strains. I tried to downclimb a move before jumping off the wall, but my hands slipped before I could release my feet from the wall, causing a fall on my bum, with my upper body half-way off the small mat, and the whiplash happened. Ugh.
Earlier today I spoke about being afraid to show my grief & vulnerability to my grandpa. Even with all my butt pain, I didn’t want my relatives who I’m staying with to call my brother when we went to the ER. I’m scared to show my brother my vulnerability, too.
The blessing is these awarenesses are happening, and being back in my childhood home I can actively participate in healing these patterns, moving forward in a new way with people. I can simply let go of the past. Every time I make a conscious effort to not react like I did in childhood, it loosens the emotional ties to those times. And, boy, do I ever want to be free. Do I ever.
The other piece of it was I was running away from my grief. I’d been mopey & miserable all day, and was sick of crying. This lead to being un-present. I was gunning for the top of a bouldering problem, and not focussed while trying to climb down. Another factor was the lack of eating.
Step by step, I’ll recover, & bring this awareness to my life, step by step.
3/22 UPDATE: Moving right along
Fortunately, I got bodywork the very next day after the whiplash, and although there are still some funky moments in my neck & shoulders, things are way better. Plus, a great yoga class on Tuesday really knocked my shoulder issues out of the water. It was amazing! I was able to go from plank pose to chatturanga for the first time in 2 months!!
Also – I got a job! It’s not totally what I wanted or expected, but it’s great for right now. It’ll bring financial stability, and maybe really get me focussed on the film project.
Admittedly, I’m easily distracted.
I have a lot of ideas about cool stuff to do. I’m hoping with the job taking up most of my time, it’ll really shrink down my focus. My concern is piling too much on my plate. I hope the chaff of the wheat stalk will come off, and the important stuff will remain. We’ll just have to see how it goes. And it’s not forever.
My belly is a million times better than in the last weeks, but still there is colon cramping. Sometimes when I eat stuff, it’s sore. My butt has healed tremendously, because I’m barely eating, and it’s mostly fiber free, so my poops are tiny now. This is truly a miracle. Believe, I tell you! Believe!
The prayer I have for myself today is firstly one of Gratitude: thank you for the job! Secondly it’s one of Self-reliance– please self, don’t put too much on your plate & get totally bonkers stressed out then nearly die from the burnout. Please just “easy does it” through the Summer, and focus on what’s most important – The SpokenCoast Project.
PS: Spring came 6 weeks early here, all the flowers & trees are blooming like mad, and my other gratitude is for not having allergies. Also, if you’re thinking about visiting Chicago ever DO IT NOW! Weather is spectacular, blooms are everywhere, and you still get the cheaper hotel rates in the “shoulder” season.