Injured Reserve List – Again

White Hyacinth & Sunset, Homewood, IL

3/16 UPDATE: On the injured reserve list, again.

(Written day of, but just getting to the post now…)

I went to the climbing gym after crying a lot about my mom today, mixed with awesome playtime with my nieces. I came off the wall wrong & landed wonky, causing a minor whiplash. I laid on the ground for a long time. The staff came with ice.  I’m already sore in my neck & shoulders.

I’m so angry & can’t even tell you. I was just getting back into climbing once a week, after having been gone from it for over two years. But, my actions & thought processes are what lead me there. I can’t deny taking responsibility for getting to this place.

What lead me there was fear. I was afraid of landing from as high up as I was in the shoes I was wearing because that sometimes causes arch muscle strains. I tried to downclimb a move before jumping off the wall, but my hands slipped before I could release my feet from the wall, causing a fall on my bum, with my upper body half-way off the small mat, and the whiplash happened. Ugh.

Earlier today I spoke about being afraid to show my grief & vulnerability to my grandpa. Even with all my butt pain, I didn’t want my relatives who I’m staying with to call my brother when we went to the ER. I’m scared to show my brother my vulnerability, too.

The blessing is these awarenesses are happening, and being back in my childhood home I can actively participate in healing these patterns, moving forward in a new way with people. I can simply let go of the past. Every time I make a conscious effort to not react like I did in childhood, it loosens the emotional ties to those times. And, boy, do I ever want to be free. Do I ever.

The other piece of it was I was running away from my grief. I’d been mopey & miserable all day, and was sick of crying. This lead to being un-present. I was gunning for the top of a bouldering problem, and not focussed while trying to climb down. Another factor was the lack of eating.

Step by step, I’ll recover, & bring this awareness to my life, step by step.

3/22 UPDATE: Moving right along

Fortunately, I got bodywork the very next day after the whiplash, and although there are still some funky moments in my neck & shoulders, things are way better. Plus, a great yoga class on Tuesday really knocked my shoulder issues out of the water. It was amazing! I was able to go from plank pose to chatturanga for the first time in 2 months!!

Also – I got a job! It’s not totally what I wanted or expected, but it’s great for right now. It’ll bring financial stability, and maybe really get me focussed on the film project.

Admittedly, I’m easily distracted.

….squirrel!

I have a lot of ideas about cool stuff to do. I’m hoping with the job taking up most of my time, it’ll really shrink down my focus. My concern is piling too much on my plate. I hope the chaff of the wheat stalk will come off, and the important stuff will remain. We’ll just have to see how it goes. And it’s not forever.

My belly is a million times better than in the last weeks, but still there is colon cramping. Sometimes when I eat stuff, it’s sore. My butt has healed tremendously, because I’m barely eating, and it’s mostly fiber free, so my poops are tiny now. This is truly a miracle. Believe, I tell you! Believe!

The prayer I have for myself today is firstly one of Gratitude: thank you for the job! Secondly it’s one of Self-reliance– please self, don’t put too much on your plate & get totally bonkers stressed out then nearly die from the burnout. Please just “easy does it” through the Summer, and focus on what’s most important – The SpokenCoast Project.

PS: Spring came 6 weeks early here, all the flowers & trees are blooming like mad, and my other gratitude is for not having allergies. Also, if you’re thinking about visiting Chicago ever DO IT NOW! Weather is spectacular, blooms are everywhere, and you still get the cheaper hotel rates in the “shoulder” season.

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2 Responses to Injured Reserve List – Again

  1. sue says:

    Hey darling, Sounds like you really need a meditation practice to center yourself. Every day, even if it doesn’t feel like it’s working…..it does. Funny, sounds like we have similar gut issues. I became very sick,, and it lasted for months, when I when on a “healthy” diet to lose weight. It had too much fiber and it threw my gut into a crazy place where everything I ate went right through me. I have cut out dairy and gluten and am very careful about what I eat and it’s a lot better. I am not thinner though, cause I ate a lot of brown rice and potatoes for awhile. I too am reading the Paleo diet, but always feel good with a little rice on my stomach.
    If you are in one place for awhile, I’ll send you some books.
    You must be very gentle with yourself after all you have been through. Sleep, meditate, yoga….go slow and heal. No judgments!!! Love you lots and always and all ways. Sue

    • marissa says:

      Sweet Sue! Thanks for weighing in, I appreciate your well wishes.

      The funny/sad part is I _am_ doing a meditation practice. I’ve been doing yoga & meditation almost every day since I returned with my pickup, a month ago. It just shows that it’s not about the practice centering me, it’s about the emotions that are arising, and whether I’m making space for them & welcoming them or not.

      THe grief & the gut explosion were really beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before. The emotions are much bigger & deeper than it feels like I can handle. Slowly but surely, though, with each tear fallen, with each sigh expelled, the feelings diminish. It’s just a lot, Sue, a whole heckuva lot. You are so right about going slow & being gentle with myself.

      That being said, I reached out for more help at the same cancer support center my mom went to. They are starting another grief group in April, which I will join. This will help a lot.

      It’s amazing our bellies are on similar paths! I agree the Paleo might not be right for me. I’m eating white rice, it’s got no fiber, and it seem to have calmed things down. I’m not going off that path until I see a doc, though. It means I’m hungry a lot…

      Since I just got this job, I’ll be in Homewood, IL for a while. Let me know if you want my address!

      Love you heaps!!
      MK

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