Get ready folks! Here comes a blog about poop!
Make a decision
The first thing I did was decide to do the cleanse, after finding my mom’s small juicer in her storage locker.
What’s important though, is making the decision was half the battle. Having a juicer made the decision easier. Also, a desire to avoid horrible junk food on the drive across country motivated me. But, once you get off the fence, stop “thinking about it”, and just commit, it’s all a runny poop stream downhill from there…
What made me feel the cleanse was successful, was my decision to do it, and all the follow through that came afterwards. That was quite satisfying! It renewed my sense of self-discipline and self-care.
I must admit my entry & exit was not graceful on this cleanse. I started it on a Thursday afternoon/evening. I didn’t prepare enough laxative tea that night, and got pretty stuck the next day. Then, once things got moving, they wouldn’t stop! I made trips to the bathroom all day & night. By the 2nd day things settled down.
Don’t do what I did. Be focused, and not distracted like I was. Probably I should’ve waited to start til the following morning. I just wasn’t thinking clearly.
Also, especially if you do the cleanse on the road like me, buy all your lemons & supplies in bulk at the beginning. Stopping to search for Grade B maple syrup in podunk towns in the middle of nowhere was a big time waster, and the bottles were way more expensive than the Big City.
Again – don’t do what I did.
The cleanse itself was very freeing. I could feel the internal toxins coming out. Suddenly stiff joints and chronically sore areas felt free & supple. I was able to do yoga moves I had never done before. My hips & pelvic area felt like a straightjacket had finally been removed.
My mind also became more free. I didn’t obsess about food all the time, well, until I saw a billboard. The power of images really struck me on this cleanse. It really makes a case for outlawing “shoot ’em up” style video games. As soon as I saw the greasy burger, I wanted one. Even just the word “pizza” drew up a craving. Once past the sign, though, my mind quickly forgot what it was craving for.
Another type of freedom came, and that was emotional letting go. I did a lot of crying about my mom in the car. I also let go of a lot about my personal past, especially around my family members. This, too, lead to a tremendous sense of freedom, of lightness.
There were moments when flashes of anger & frustration came up. As the days of the cleanse & my pit stops at the rest areas wore on, those feelings literally turned to compassion. This happened about one specific family member in a dream! It’s almost as if the “offending” matter coming out of my bottom mirrored my emotional changes. Both were releases.
Because I had very little poop, and it was mostly runny, my ‘rhoids were the best they’ve ever been. Everything just seemed to shrink & contract back into place for the week. It was glorious, but sadly short-lived. Keep reading for more…
I wrote coming “down” instead of “off”, because it felt more like a high that I was coming off of. (Um…caffeine high. Yeah, that’s it. *ahem*) By the time I reached Chicago, I thought I had been spiritually reborn, felt great, looked great, and was ready to take on & tackle any challenge Life threw at me.
Ten days later my tune was quite different.
Again, PLEASE do not do what I did. It wasn’t until 12 days of suffering ensued that I finally found this link on how to come off the cleanse. I rushed it way too quickly, with disastrous results.
In a way, this is where my mind’s downfall really hit. After 8 days on the cleanse, I got tired of not eating. I felt hungry & low energy all the time. All I wanted to do was chew. I missed the act of chewing & swallowing. These urges were much worse on days 7 & 8 than on days 1-3. Guess it’s different for every person.
Day 9 was juice, but not orange juice. I didn’t realize orange juice was the juice for after the cleanse. I bought papaya juice or some other weirdness that was on sale at the health food store.
Once the juice came online, it was a slippery slope to self-destruction. The evening of Day 9, I drank a cup of homemade chicken broth. The sense of relief at receiving the nutrients was orgasmic. Seriously. It was like being baptised by Jesus Himself.
Day 10 was chicken broth, juice, & water all day until the afternoon of Day 10, when I ate the vegetables from the chicken soup. The morning of Day 11, my daily toilet ritual seemed fine. There was more poop than on the cleanse, but nothing extreme.
Day 11 – the day of reckoning. I made eggs & spinach, and the leftover lamb from a family friend’s supper the night before. Big mistake. That evening, I met with a friend from Japan who came into town for a business meeting. It’s rare to see her. Thinking my gut was ok, we at…um…Indian food. The Mexican place we were meant to go across the street was closed. Although I did my best to stay away from the spicy stuff, all their dishes were garnished with a mango sauce. I have a mango allergy.
Before leaving the restaurant the first explosion happened, setting the tone for the next several weeks of misery. Yes, you read it right. Weeks.
My quest all along was to start doing the Paleo Diet after the cleanse. Again, after reading up about it a bit more, I now realize my ratios were off. I consumed two parts veggies for every one part meat. Instead it should be 50/50, or even 60/40 with meat & fish the higher ratio.
What happened? Well after the Indian Food Fiasco, all the veggies I consumed turned my poops gigantic. It was the fiber. (This includes fruits & tree nuts! I learned from the “Fiber Menace” book that tree nuts, especially almonds, have incredibly high fiber.) Suddenly, my muscles and areas where the sun don’t shine had to cope with daily poops that seemed like passing lemons through one-by-one. The inflammation increased, and the bleeding began.
I wasn’t scared at first, because sadly I’ve had a history of constipation most of my life, even from childhood. I had had the occasional red blotches on the paper over the years. During a very stressful time in my life 2 years ago, the ‘rhoids got so bad I saw my doctor, and received a steroid foam that really did the trick.
Not this time.
By the 5th day of bleeding I really got scared. With no health insurance, I quickly looked up the state & county offerings, and set out on a quest for help & approval in the programs. The first visit to the urgent care clinic resulted in a paper saying, “Do sitz baths, use laxatives, eat more fiber, drink more water, & get more exercise.” Plus, a “prescription” (actually on prescription letterhead) for over the counter creams & stool softeners.
SIDEBAR: it’s really good that I got over my embarassment buying suppositories & the like for my mom while she was on chemo. I have no hesitation to walk right up to the drug store clerk & ask for what I need.
By my 3rd trip to the clinic to finally get approved for the free healthcare program (which I did, thank goodness), I was pooping dribs & drabs within an hour after eating anything. Even an apple would cause this reaction. Someone suggested aloe vera juice, and thankfully it worked. It’s now Day 26, since I began the cleanse, Day 12 from the end of the cleanse.
Things seemed to be on the mend until Sunday, Day 28. A pal who is studying to be a doctor, gave me a vasoconstrictor she bought in Cuba. People swear by it for vericose veins, etc. She said it healed her ‘rhoids within the hour. I was desperate to try anything.
Within 15 minutes of taking it, I rushed to the toilet. The swelling, throbbing, pain & misery that followed was excrutiating. But, I’m tough, I could handle it. I could no longer sit down, but I could handle it. I tried taking a nap lying on pillows with my butt in the air. I figured like the Jardine rest, getting the blood to flow the other way would work. Nice try. And not even a consolation prize. But, that’s ok – I could handle it.
Around 9:30PM, one of the relatives I’m staying with checked in on me, and suggested the ER. We determined the new state program would pay for admittance to any ER, not just the county hospital. Even though I was “handling” the pain just fine, the decision to go brought relief.
Although it took several hours of standing & occasional sitting in the waiting room, I was glad I went. Taking action to do something about the pain psychologically took a lot of pressure off. The staff was super nice & helpful, did a thorough job of checking all the possibilities especially around the bleeding, and gave me an IV with a pain med that was like the kiss of an angel on my you-know-what. Heavenly. Relief.
Author’s Note: Stay tuned for the conclusion of my Master Cleanse Butt Blowout. Right now I gotta get some sleeeeeeepppppp……….