Not everything works out the way you want it to, hoped it would, or planned for. In fact, it hardly ever does.
Over the last weeks, I’ve learned a lot about what does/doesn’t work in a yoga class. I’ve learned about what types of places do/don’t work out for a yoga teacher to build a class.
I’ve also learned a lot about my own personal yoga teaching style, and which environment works the best for that style.
Now, the question becomes, what do I do with this information?
I’m jumping ahead of myself. Through the course of the last weeks’ depression & mopiness, I finally came to a conclusion: I was being too hard on myself.
For those of you who know me, I’m sure you’re LOL-ing right now. Yup, this Old Goat is finally understanding how hard she is on her own self. Perfectionism is like an itchy rash that just won’t go away. It flares up from time to time, and gets soothes with creams & balms, but – it’s always there.
I don’t know what happened. But back around last Friday, a voice came into my head telling me that this was a learning process, I was experimenting, and that I had nothing to be ashamed about.
Who was that voice? Maybe my mom’s? Maybe mine? Maybe an alien’s – who knows, and who cares. The point is, the wagon wheel of my mental process that beats myself up was pulled out of its’ rut. This is huge. This is good.
While I don’t claim to be “fixed” or “healed” by this amazing phenomenon occurring, I also don’t want to dwell too much on it. Now, I’m ready to move forward. Now I’m ready to try out what actually might work, knowing FULL WELL that it might not.
Something about the last several weeks’ struggle with control, grief, etc. was a blessing in disguise. It taught me that I can try out new things, and I have no idea what’s going to work. But, so far, I do know what is working. I’d like to do more of that.
My next step will involve “settling down” somehow into a yoga routine at only 1-2 places. Right now I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off. It’s no fun. Teaching yoga is becoming no fun because I’m exhausted all the time. This is insanity! How can something I love become bad? Only when I push myself too hard.
Accepting reality with grace is no easy task. I’ve put a lot of effort out into building my classes. When some things work & others don’t, it’s insane to keep on doing the same thing & expecting results to change.
Love & Purpose
I had a chat yesterday with someone who recounted a story where she was asked, “What do you love? and What is your purpose?” in the same conversation.
Her reply was, “What if they’re different? What if what I love is not my purpose?”
That was an interesting response to me, because I have never seen my “purpose” as being something small, like my purpose is to buy a cup of tea, or write a book. Rather, I’ve always felt my purpose is to become the best human being I can, embody all the good qualities that we are given, and set an example for other’s to keep striving, too.
The more I do something I love, the more likely I’ll be able to achieve that. Just in the last 2 months of self-employment, I’ve learned Truckloads! about myself, and been dope-slapped by God yet again on trying to control things. Yup. God created the Three Stooges for a reason, to give us the dope slap.
All I know is, no matter how worn out I am, I’m becoming a better person & loving my life more now with self-employment, than ever before. There’s no escaping how much I am over-booking myself, over-doing things, etc., to “achieve” something.
With continued experimentation, continued commitment to success, I can learn & grow, change things up, and create a livelihood from something I love; knowing FULL WELL that what I “love” could change at any time!
Wheels are spinning, opportunities are opening up, passions are being stoked… stay tuned for the next chapter of the adventure!