November’s been a whirlwind & a half. A mercury retrograde started on November 4th, and although I normally don’t get affected by those things, this time it whooped my behind.
Me, Me, Me
While “me, me, me” is a great vocal warmup, it’s not a great philosophy for conducting one’s life. Sadly, 99% of the population focus solely on themselves. It’s our human nature. It’s how our brain & mind work. It’s our gift & our thorn at the same time.
Early on in November, I conducted my first yoga workshop, at a facility in Homewood. No one showed up. Only 2 people said they wanted to come, but bailed & didn’t show anyway.
I was devestated, and took it totally personally. I literally went home in tears. One of the gals at the space, a beautiful soul, kept reminding me it wasn’t about me. I heard her through my ears, but my heart struggled to receive this message.
With a few days perspective on it, this lesson hit me hard. How was it I was wrapping my entire self-esteem up in a workshop with an $80 return? How could I have possibly given up my personal power to those two students? It was humbling to realize what I was doing to myself.
Going through the experience of the empty workshop taught me that my self-esteem truly is about what is on my insides, what I believe about myself.
This experience, plus the retrograde, highlighted just how much I need to work on loving myself. The gal who brought me into the NYR Organic business had a great way of teaching me. One day I was crying over my finances, and how scary it was to get this business off the ground. I said to her: “Really? People want to do yoga with me?”
She told me, “Marissa, yes. Turn that around. Really. People _want_ to do yoga with you.”
That was a profound moment. It started to dawn on me that my own beliefs about my capabilities were hindering my success. The more I feared failure, the more I was drawing it closer to me. My thoughts were turning into reality in near real-time. It was astounding.
Processing the Poop
This entire Thanksgiving week has been an emotional rollercoaster. The grief over my mom and brother was more intense than I ever expected. It’s been difficult to accept; difficult to allow it to surface completely. When the emotions seem so big, like the earth right under your feet will simply swallow you up, it’s hard to embrace them.
Even so, I did take courageous steps to address the darkness within. At a deeper level, much of this heavy, non-self-loving energy feels old, as in from another lifetime, old. I’m trading with a therapist who specializes in Emotional Freedom Technique. It was a profound first session.
I also talked with a couple close friends about the week, and courageously admitted my sadness, regrets, and patterns. And I didn’t burst into flames when I spoke these painful truths out loud. Wow.
I’m working the techniques from the spiritual fellowship that I’m part of, including a daily gratitude list, and a daily self-love list. It IS possible to take this fodder, and turn it into fertilizer for the soul.
Despite the madness of the last few retrograde weeks, I’m developing a yoga opportunity that presented itself in St. John, IN. Just tonight, my NYR friend told me about another opportunity in Indiana with the skincare line. Wow. Amazing serendipity.
More now than ever, it seems really important to take the current oinion layer of self-doubt and transform it once & for all. It’s hard work, it’s scary, and it’s hard work. Did I mention it’s hard work?
Humans resist change anyway, like putting their yoga mat into a new space of the room – simple kind of change. How on earth can I change deeply ingrained patterns that started at birth?
I don’t know, but I’m sick of my current reality paradigm, so there’s only one way to go from here: up. Or forward… Wait, that’s two ways. Ok, bad analogy!
Point is, I’m the only one responsible for my reality. Maybe I created these painful experiences for myself, like the empty workshop, to face the patterns inside that are holding me back. Who knows, but I do know I’m the only one that can embrace this pain, and transform it into something useful.
Although this has been one of the most wicked retrogrades I’ve ever experienced, it feels like a complete & total cleansing. It feels like a necessary pain, a needed expunging, in order to move forward. Only by facing these issues will my new yoga business opportunities be successful. When I can totally & completely embrace the beautiful soul inside myself, I’ll step back into the universal flow if ease & grace.
So, heeeeerrrrreee, I go! Onwards & upwards! (Those two ways work!)